My story through darkness…
3 years ago, life as I knew it changed forever... I was 3 years deep in the trenches of motherhood. Charli, my little mirror echoed my unhealed childhood wounds like I never expected. I desperately wanted to protect her from pains and challenges of life and in the mean time, spent those precious few years in a sea of guilt, worthlessness and overcompensating... I didn't want to break her. The responsibility I felt as her teacher, consumed my everything. I lost myself as a woman. as a soul and I lost myself as a wife.
I was in my masculine doing mode 24/7, trying to study, working full time 2hrs away in a job that was unaligned with who I was. I spent weekends obsessing over meal prep, housework and trying to create memories for her and come Monday, I'd do it all again. I started smoking again, binge eating and self sabotaging. The exhaustion hurt. It physically ached my bones...
We had moved back home for 'a few months' whilst our home was finished which turned out to be 2 years. In the space of a few weeks, our dog died, I was made redundant, I had an awakening that not only had I lost myself but my husband looked like a stranger and we wernt happy, my Mum fell very ill and I was absolutely broken... within 48hours, my life had fallen apart...
I had a complete breakdown...
I couldnt work, study or care for my family. The anxiety physically hurt, I couldn't sleep, I was constantly scared and felt so alone. The theme in my mind on repeat was 'I cant do this anymore', 'Its going to be like this forever' and 'im going insane, forever'. When I admitted that I felt like I couldnt go on anymore, we went to the doctor and I started antidepressants and seeing a psychologist. Charli went to her Grandmothers for a few weeks, my beautiful mum spent day upon day reassuring me and guiding me though, my dear husband held me in his arms and kissed my forehead and my friends tried to remind me of the good times. I felt empty inside. Void of emotion, hope, love. Still to this day, it hurts to remember looking at my beautiful baby girl, my mirror and feeling nothing. No love, no joy, no hope. This feeling went on for months... would it ever end?
Eventually I had to start life again and it was absolutely terrifying! Everything was so terrifying. I couldnt be on my own without a panic attack, I couldnt handle the heat, the cold, being too full or too hungry, too needed or too abandoned. My husband took on the household roles like banking, shopping and coordinating Charli. I had nothing to give. The radio and TV had to be off. The house walked on egg shells as we all tried to navigate WTF life meant for us all now...
As the months went on, it got alittle easier as I healed. I journaled, meditated, ate clean, took every supplement and herb I could and slowly weaned off the antidepressants. I went to yoga, took slow walks outside 'fake it till you make it' was my new mental tape. 18 months post meltdown, I was starting to feel a little normal when we fell pregnant with Sage. Our little healer. Which bought along a new set of fears and lessons. I was so worried I wouldn't cope and would go back to where I was. My mantra was 2 steps forward, 1 step back and the conversations Id had with other survivors all advised that the 1st experience is the worst. You cant go back there because this has shaped your being now. How I desperately wanted to go back to my old life, until I realised I cant go back to the life that created this darkness... And with that, I found a curiosity, a hope and desire to not go back to where I was, but to go forward into who I want to be... and who I truly am under all that shit.
3 years on, Spring marks the anniversary of that time... but something has shifted this year... something feels lighter... l can smile without wondering if it will last. I can see the messages, the love and the possibilities. I can see so many wonderful lessons, a book in itself.
To say my life has changed 100% is an understatement and as hard as that time of my life was, I have so much more compassion for this world, I have new values, a new perspective, I've formed new friends, teachers and practices that bring a depth that I have been looking for my whole life and I feel like I am the practitioner I am because my experience.
I share this in hope, that if you are in a hard time in your life and you cant see the light, that my story might help provide a little faith. Thats honestly what got me through. I listened to others stories that had come out of the other side of darkness, into light and if they could do it, I had a chance. They say you learn what you most need to teach and my Vitality Program was born off the foundations of my growth. I didn't always eat well, use organic skincare and meditate. I burnt the candle at both ends my whole, thought too deeply about negative shit and ignored the bliss right in front of me. Its been years of accumulated desire to live a deeper life and if you know someone who really needs this right now, or if you want to talk, Id love to hear from you. Be well beautiful soul and thank you for hearing my story. Charmaine xxx
